KIS KISKO PYAR KAROON: Love it? Naah, leave it! [1/5]

In times when Govinda is pushing himself hard to reinvent his career with at least ‘his best in considerately not-so-good films’, someone is trying to do a typical Govinda act. I laugh, but hardly at the act and mostly at the ridiculous choice one has made to mark his calling for the big screen. Abbas-Mustan’s KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON sees not only the rise of absurd, silly and tasteless writing in bollywood comedies seeking laughs at each & every scene but also the regrettable fall of the magical talent of India’s most-loved entertainer on Television named & famed as Kapil Sharma. I really wonder if one should go dumb before enjoying these comedies. If so, where should I dump my brain jam-packed with all the hard-earned sense and sensibilities? I think the makers should set up a counter outside the theatre.

KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON tries to be a situational comedy where the situations are all fabricated, unreasonable and totally convenient to the plot. It is also a film that questions and insults the intellect of today’s women exactly the way Kapil hits on his TV show. Here, he plays Shiv Ram Kishen Kumar- a millionaire owning 4 flats in a skyscraper on the most-expensive Nariman Point of Mumbai [I can be wrong of the exact address though], 3 wives [Manjari Phadnis, Sai Lokur & Simran Kaur Mundi] to fill in as some of the designer furniture and a hot-body girlfriend [Eli Avram] supposedly being the ‘love’ of his life. Hard to digest? Wait, there is more. Considering the same apartment they are placed smartly by their ‘all in one’ husband, the wives become friends. They party together. They shop together. In fact, they jog together but their mind doesn’t shift an inch to find out that they are sharing the same man. I m not judging them but how can one marry a guy without knowing his full name. This guy in polygamy uses each part of his name as his identity to all 4 girls in his life. And guess what, the sympathy is always in the court of the husband. Actually, he plays a Krishna from Mahabharata who prefers to marry every ‘Abla Naari’ in his way to rescue them from their ill-fated world. The only problem here is, there is no religion to back the faith in his persona. Comedy could possibly be the force but sadly, it also fails.

KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON is a film that believes in creating problems in name of the plot-development and then solving all of it in an explanatory and emotional climax. One’s misery is other’s laugh but it all become offensive when you see everyone acting calm as the deads about serious issues like polygamy, cheating, extra-marital affairs and all of that related to women’s respect. Could we also react the same way if a woman is seen playing wife to 4 different men? Would we not call her names? I think enough is never enough for Bollywood filmmakers. The film constantly hits the low in comedy and becomes a torture at some point. How many millions of times you want to laugh at a man hiding his identity with banging his face in the cake? People carry the ‘printed’ photographs to identify someone in times of e-mails, Whats App and Camera-phones. I mean, really? An underworld don [Arbaaz Khan] can orchestrate a 5-crore ransom but can’t afford a hearing-aid. I know why. To bless the film’s writer buy some more screen-time to try his luck in making us laugh at one’s disability. Someone is sick. Really!

Surprisingly, the supporting cast contributes more to work in favor of the film’s whole propaganda of being a comedy film than the principal cast. Varun Sharma despite acting his regular methods since his first break in FUKREY is very much watchable. Jamie Lever, the daughter of ace comedian Johnny Lever shows a great promise and has the most fertile and the best gags in the movie. Arbaaz Khan, Sharat Saxena and Supriya Pathak Kapur are also a much relief. The female brigade hardly impresses. And now the man himself; no one can actually doubt Kapil’s ability to make people laugh but the big canvas is a different ball game altogether. Here, actors rarely manage to go beyond the script to instate their strata even if the film is bad. And I am talking about actors.

At the end, KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON is a big forgettable comic set. On Television, it might go overlooked but watching someone mouthing cheesy one-liners on big screen and not noticing his all dull, dry and dead lips sans lip-balm is the worst screen-makeup I have seen. If banning is being a fashion these days, [Though I don’t encourage of any kinds] I would call a ban on these mindless comedies that could harm a lot within you. Go back to the television, if you really want to see Kapil’s infectious energy, honesty, charm and the ruling power he holds in his show. You won’t find any of these in KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON. Nothing can force you to love it! [1/5]   

‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’: हम किसी से कम नहीं, पर कहानी में दम नहीं! [2.5/5]

‘गैंगस्टर’ सुनते ही मुंबई के ‘भाई लोग’ बिना इजाज़त लिए जेहन में खलबली मचाने लगते हैं. ‘सत्या’ के भीखू म्हात्रे से लेकर ‘वास्तव’ के रग्घू तक, बॉलीवुड हमेशा से इन टपोरियों-मवालियों और पंटर लोगों में अपनी कहानी के हीरो ढूंढता रहा है. जीशान क़ादरी इस चलन को तोड़ने की, या यूँ कहें तो एक नया चेहरा देने की कोशिश करते हैं. उनकी फिल्म ‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’, जैसा कि नाम से ही ज़ाहिर है, उत्तर प्रदेश के मेरठ और दिल्ली से सटे नोएडा के आस-पास के इलाकों को ही अपना गढ़ बनाती है. यहाँ बाप की कम पेंशन और मिडल-क्लास का रोना रोने वाले टपोरी नहीं होते. यहाँ होते हैं यूनिवर्सिटी हॉस्टल में कुर्सी-टेबल की तरह सालों से जमे हुए मुंहफट-अक्खड़-लड़ाकू ‘लौंडे’! यहाँ जो कुछ नहीं कर रहे होते, वो ‘लॉ’ कर रहे होते हैं. जल्दी और ज्यादा पैसे कमाने के लिए, कैरियर के नाम पर जिनके सामने दो ही आसान तरीके नज़र आते हैं, एक तो रियल इस्टेट का बिज़नेस और दूसरा ‘अगवाई’ यानी ‘किडनैपिंग’. जीशान अपनी पहली फिल्म में किरदारों के हाव-भाव, चाल-चलन और बोली पर तो अच्छी-खासी पकड़ बनाते दिखते हैं, पर फिल्म को बांधे रखने वाली एक अच्छी और मज़बूत कहानी की कमी उनके इस सराहनीय प्रयास को खोखला कर देती है.

मेरठ के ६ बेरोजगार [जयदीप अहलावत, आकाश दहिया, शादाब कमल, वंश भारद्वाज़, चन्द्रचूड़ राय और जतिन सरना] छोटी-मोटी छिनैती में तो पहले भी शरीक रहे हैं, पर जब नौकरी दिलाने वाली एक कंपनी के झांसे में आकर ठगे जाते हैं तो जाने-अनजाने फिरौती के धंधे में भी बोहनी कर बैठते हैं. फिर तो पीछे मुड़ के क्या देखना? हालात उस वक़्त रंग बदलने लगते हैं, जब उनकी उड़ान कुछ ज्यादा जल्दी ही आसमान छूने के ख्वाब देखने लगती है. लाखों की फिरौती अब करोड़ों में बदल गयी है और इन सब के बीच है एक पागल पुलिसवाला [मुकुल देव], जो अपने ऊपर वालों को भी दो-टूक सुनाने का कोई मौका नहीं छोड़ता.

‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’ में अगर कुछ है, जो इसे देखने लायक बनाता है तो वो हैं इसके किरदार. कहानी हालाँकि अपना असर बिलकुल नहीं छोडती, किरदार ही हैं जो आप तक रह जाते हैं. उनकी आम बोल-चाल का लहज़ा, उनके तेवर, उनका अख्खड़पन! फिल्म के एक दृश्य में गैंग का एक मेम्बर संजय फ़ोरेनर [अपने मेहंदी रंगे बालों की वजह से उसे ये नाम मिला है] अपने ही दोस्तों से खुद को गोली मरवाने की जिद पकडे बैठा है, क्यूंकि लड़की के बाप ने उसके खिलाफ़ पुलिस केस दर्ज करा दिया है, पर गैंग का लीडर टीवी पे क्रिकेट वर्ल्ड कप का मैच छोड़ना नहीं चाहता. और अंत में जब घटना को अंजाम देना है, तयशुदा गैंग-मेंबर उसे .22 की कम नुकसान पहुंचाने वाली बुलेट के बदले 303 की जानलेवा गोली दाग आता है. पश्चिमी उत्तर प्रदेश का झूठा पुरुष अहंवाद भी इन सब में कहीं-कहीं साफ़ झलकता है. अपने लीडर को उसकी प्रेमिका के नाखूनों पे रंग लगाते हुए देखना, गैंग में सबके लिए आसान नहीं होता. फिल्म के संवाद कहीं भी, एक पल के लिए भी किरदारों से छूटते दिखाई नहीं देते.

जीशान डायरेक्शन के अपने इस पहले प्रयास में कैमरे और अभिनेताओं के साथ कई सफल प्रयोगों के साथ प्रभावित करते हैं. मसलन, दोपहर से लेके रात तक चलने वाले एक शूटआउट सीन में उन्होंने गाने और स्टॉप-मोशन तकनीक का बखूबी इस्तेमाल किया है. इसी तरह फिल्म की शुरुआत में कॉलेज कैंटीन के और अंत में जेल के अन्दर के दृश्यों में वन-शॉट सीन का प्रयोग भी सराहनीय है. जयदीप [‘गैंग्स ऑफ़ वास्सेपुर’ के शाहिद खान] और आकाश [तनु वेड्स मनु रिटर्न्स] उम्दा हैं. शादाब कमल [‘बी ए पास’] निराश करते हैं. संजय मिश्रा, मुकुल देव, ब्रजेन्द्र काला ठीक-ठाक हैं.

अंत में; ‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’ की कहानी में जीशान की वो धार कहीं दिखाई नहीं देती जिसकी उम्मीद उन्होंने ‘गैंग्स ऑफ़ वास्सेपुर’ से जगाई थी पर एक नए उभरते डायरेक्टर के रूप में वो पूरी तरह असफल भी नहीं होते. मजेदार किरदार और उन्हें आत्मसात करते अभिनेता, इस फिल्म को काफी हद तक देखने लायक बनाये रखते हैं. फिल्म ख़तम होने के बाद भी ख़तम नहीं होती, और इसे वापस लौटने का एक इशारा भी समझा जा सकता है. इन किरदारों को एक बार और परदे पर देखने में मुझे तनिक हर्ज़ न होगा, अगर इस बार एक अच्छी-दमदार कहानी भी हाथ लग जाए! [2.5/5]

KATTI BATTI: A ‘yawn’ experience! [1.5/5]

Love-stories can be clichéd. One should never be ashamed of it or in the state of complete denial. In fact, there will always be the ‘boy-meets-girl’ design in the plot, some or the other way, but you can’t be so unimaginative, uninspired and uninteresting that no one would even try to invest their emotions in whatever story you’re telling or just cooking it up for the sake of it. Nikhil Advani’s KATTI BATTI is probably year’s most lackluster romantic film; not just because it lacks the chemistry, the spark, the romance or even the reason behind its existence but also, for being a ruthless demolisher of a proficient actor’s potential [That goes for Kangana]. This is a film where romance is judged by how competently you preserve the first 20-rupee note your ‘true love’ has offered you with her phone number on it, or how proudly you carry a piece of paper once used for writing the word ‘sorry’ as many as fifty times to brace your apology. I can hear you all going ‘Aww’ with multiple ‘W’s, girls! But this all happen, hold your breath, in a modern day live-in relationship! Growing up is a choice, I fear most of the Bollywood writers don’t like to go for.

The film is set in a world where every Madhav involuntarily becomes Maddy [Imran Khan] but Payal [Kangana] remains Payal despite being more foresighted, focused and free-spirited than the cool dude in question. No wonder, she is called ‘a good catch’, ‘chalu’ and a ‘man-eater’ who can chew men and spit out the waste, for the choices she makes in her life. On the other hand, the boy is on the loose to chase the girl until she accepts to be with him. 5 years later, they are breaking-up. And then, of course there is a bunch of supporting human angles to make it happening whatever needs to be in those circumstances! A friend who’s irritatingly always there [Doesn’t he have his own life?], a bossy kid sister with her so-called wise advices, another friend who’s shown pregnant while being already the mother of a one & half year old toddler [Though it’s not a crime, I really want to know what went wrong that night] and many others including a baddie actually being a goodie. Did I just pass a lame clue here for a shamefully twisted climax or eventually the director’s cover up for his own sins? I think I deserve a ‘thank you’ to save some of your mental exercise.

Surprisingly, the film starts with a really impressive scene where the couple is seen discussing their live-in relationship status, in bed, followed by the inventively-shot ‘lip to lip de kissiyaan’ song. It smells fresh but only till you know the writer has been briefed to make every scene a laughter-joint no matter how irrelevant, erratic or unreal it is. The film is filled with scenes when humor is forced, freaky and fatigued. As a writer, I can tell you how one sell these kind of scenes to the director. The popular expression is ‘On-screen aur achcha lagega’. We all have been made fools. While watching movies, one should always be attentive as there might be a hidden hint for your own good. Well; just before the climax, Nikhil throws a song named ‘Jaago mohan pyaare’ on us to make sure all of us are awake to notice the high-point of his film i.e. the weepy-creepy and shabbily sentimental climax.

Kangana Ranaut, on the cast, is underused for her abilities to emote and over-used for providing a gimmicky ‘different looks in one film’ formula, she apparently has mastered in TANU WEDS MANU AGAIN. On the contrary, Imran is given more screen-time, attention and opportunities to show his caliber. As a nerd, bore and one-track lover of an ambitious, smart and animated girl, he is quite watchable. So is Vivan Bhatena. Special mention to Suneel Sinha as Maddy’s father who has all the talents and looks to fill the long-awaited gap for a cool, caring and compassionate Bollywood father. Now, that’s some fresh casting I see.

There has been news of Aamir Khan seen crying after watching this dead & dull romantic affair. I can only say, crying is good but never for the wrong reasons. The makers should have an on-screen affirmation saying something like, ‘This is the scene that made Aamir cry’, it would be more helpful to incite some emotions in viewers. Otherwise, Nikhil Advani’s KATTI BATTI is an affair NOT to remember! A ‘yawn’ experience! [1.5/5]

HERO: Oops, try again! [1.5/5]

A lot of hard work, deliberate efforts and forced energy have been put in making/re-making HERO, and it shows. The desired all muscles-heavily tattooed look is achieved, as for as the sincerity and passion at the male lead’s part is concerned. The girl sure has learned a couple of lessons on how to move it; and I am not talking about anything here distantly related to acting. Postcard-perfect locations have been recced and marked. Songs are completely in sync with the hit love-story mould. Even the storyline has been borrowed from a classic romantic drama, still very much admired for its good music, distinctive direction and decent performances. A safe and well-protected launch-pad for two of the Bollywood star-kids is ready. Well, almost! And that ‘almost’ says a lot. Two most important parts of the filmmaking process i.e. the edgy writing and the skilled direction miss the bus; and Nikhil Advani’s HERO turns out to be a sluggishly written- sloppily directed bad film no one would love to be called his/her launch-pad.

Backed by Salman Khan- an institution in himself for today’s gym-loving generation, HERO is made only to establish the mentor’s ego in projecting his loved ones as the next possible stars in Bollywood. The list has many Atul Agnihotris and Pulkit Samrats besides all plastic face look-alikes [Sneha Ullal & Zarine Khan, if you remember]. Sooraj Pancholi and Athiya Shetty secure their places in the same list. The local gangster Sooraj [Played by Jr Pancholi] has kidnapped Radha [Athiya Shetty]- the daughter of Mumbai’s Inspector General of Police Srikant Mathur [Tigmanshu Dhulia] in order to get his godfather Pasha [His real father Sr. Pancholi] released from the jail. And it takes exactly 2 songs and 3 scenes for the fashion-freak & selfie-obsessed Radha to fall in love with an under-qualified but good-hearted ‘Goonda’. I know it hurts to accept him as an under-qualified but he himself confesses in one scene that he can only do either ‘dadagiri’ or ‘bodybuilding’. Now, that can really be an eye-opener to all the gym-fanatics! Anyways, the plot ahead sees the foreseen tussle between the lovers and the rest of the world.

What gets lost in translation from the Subhash Ghai directed original HERO to this latest remake is the conviction in writing and the confidence in direction. Though the writer tries his hard to give it a contemporary feel but could only come up with a few dialogues using internet-savvy lingo and the outdone tattooed look every Bollywood aspirant thinks a must to get big break. Rest of all is outdated, absurd and not at all appealing. The writing is so lethargic and noticeably so embarrassing that you can’t stop grinning about it. The IG of Police is named Sri Kant. The full name of Pasha is Surya Kant Pasha. Even Sooraj is called Surya sometimes. Pasha is called ‘baba’ by Sooraj, Sooraj is called ‘Sooraj Baba’ by Pasha. There is definitely some shortage of names. And then, there is bad direction that borrows heavily from every successful romantic action films in past. The whole entry sequence is so pale and pathetic you want to ask if Salman [The Producer] himself has approved it. In one of the most hilarious scenes, Pasha recalls in front of Sooraj, “Teri maa ko main behan manta tha”. Now, reconsider this as they both are sharing the screen for the first time and Sooraj is projected till now as Pasha’s son! Absurd miscommunication, I say!

On the performances, it’s better not to express much as even they [Sooraj & Athiya] also didn’t much in the film. Sooraj definitely has some screen-presence only till he starts trying to weight his words before speaking. I wish his gym has vocal trainers also! Athiya is unconventionally bad. And thanks to the writing that portrays her even worse! How can playing a dumb be someone’s very first role to impress the world? Sharad Kelkar acts in respected measures and impresses the most of the lot. Tigmanshu looks completely disinterested and drained out. Aditya Pancholi for once underplays it and looks cool while doing it.

Film’s poster has a tagline, “Rebels. Love. Freedom.” Apart from it being grammatically incorrect, I could only give you my word about the last of the three words you would actually feel for, not while watching the film but after leaving the theatre. For Salman? When there is an expert [Mr. Salim Khan] at your hand’s distance, you should better give your script a chance rather than countering film critics’ substance just couple of days before releasing your film. And to Sooraj & Athiya; try again, kids! I know you both are lucky enough to get more chances! [1.5/5]   

WELCOME BACK: Partly funny-largely frustrating! [2/5]

Anees Bazmee’s WELCOME BACK is a time-machine that takes you in the times of its successful predecessor WELCOME (2007). The moment it takes off, you come to realize that nothing have moved an inch in all these 7-8 years; neither the silliness in the plot nor the sensibility of the director. A girl, despite having strong and extreme dislike for ‘goondas’ gets kissed by one belonging to the same genus and ends up singing and dancing a romantic number with him, without showing any apprehension. This is a crass world where everyone makes a joke on everyone’s looks, features and physical stances irrespective of their gender, age and class. All in the name of entertainment! All for the sake of cheap laughs! Some really work but in the tiring 2 hour and 33 minutes of its total duration, most fall on the face. WELCOME BACK remains a terrible try to reproduce and recreate the box-office magic WELCOME (2007) created long back; which by now, looks like a classic in comparison with this partly funny-largely frustrating flick.

The furious Uday Shetty [Nana Patekar] and the fanatic Majnu Bhai [Anil Kapoor] are looking for a simple, sober and sophisticated groom again for their brand new sister Ranjana [Shruti Haasan]. The search takes them back to Dr. Ghoongroo [Paresh Rawal] whose newly-find son Ajay [John Abraham] loves Ranjana. Now if you are scratching your head to know where these new additions have come from, let me give you a hint. ‘The dark secrets of a happy married life’. Anyways, the trouble in the proposed marriage happens to be the groom himself. Ajay is actually Ajju Bhai- a local don in Mumbai. Things go messy when an international mafia Wanted Bhai [Naseeruddin Shah] makes an entry with his drug-addict son [Shiney Ahuja] wanting to marry Ajay’s love interest and Uday-Majnu’s sister. Meanwhile, there is a con mother-daughter duo [Dimple Kapadia & Ankita Shrivastava] to make it more muddled and mixed-up.

WELCOME BACK is majorly backed by the Nana Patekar-Anil Kapoor combination. Together, they live every moment in the film with total conviction and wholesome energy. Although Bazmee relies more on the third-rate giggles out of unapologetic comments on everyone’s appearances like Anil Kapoor is called ‘Tedhe Kandhe’ because of his leaning body posture, Supriya Karnik’s character is cursed for her hairstyle with ‘boy-cut halkat’ comment etc. The list includes blinds, deafs and dumbs, overweights and what not. The background music constantly hammers on your hearing senses with a completely unbearable chorus-intro for every major character. Sub-plots are added just to complicate the storyline and to make it overcrowded to create a chaotic climax where you can easily fall for the trick and get ready to accept anything that comes on the way to finally end it all. The logics get its high when a blind don gains his eyesight after his head gets banged in a fight. Similarly, the hero manages to run on the humps of running camels to save a life.

In a very few mentionable sequences, Nana and Anil supposedly play Antakshari with ghosts in a graveyard. In other, Rajpal Yadav impresses in a scene where he’s beaten by goons but forced to dance while being in the middle of it. Paresh Rawal is watchable but Dimple, Ankita & Shruti are not even that. John carries off it well. The addition of Naseeruddin Shah to the cast was supposed to recreate the magical presence of Late Feroz Khan but ends up being in an uncomfortable zone. Shiney Ahuja seems out of the place all the time.   

Overall, WELCOME BACK is an old and predictable, long and tiring joke. Some of the performances do make it watchable but the lack of smart writing-clever punches-logical explanations, and idiocy in the storyline kills the fun and the pun both. If WELCOME had amused you, this will annoy you. [2/5]