DILWALE: Guns and Roses, Jammed and Wilted! [2/5]

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Pretending is ridiculous. I really wonder how could someone disregard this golden rule of comedy and still call himself a master of the same. Rohit Shetty’s DILWALE suffers heavily from this exact syndrome where almost everyone involved with the project pretends to be someone else. Rohit acts [behind the camera, as director] as if he’s none less than Late Mukul Anand. Varun Dhawan makes faces as if he’s his dad’s favorite Govinda. Kajol and Shahrukh pretend comfortably to be in a love-story within a comedy within an action thriller [Now you know why Varun compares it with INCEPTION. Yeah, he did. You heard it right!]. The film itself lives in a make-believe world to be a HUM (1991) in plot-construction and DDLJ (1995) in promotional gimmicks. And pretending is ridiculous, I tell you. So, the only two who don’t fall in the pit are Pankaj Tripathi and Sanjay Mishra; one plays a character [where mosts play their aura] and the other does a spick and span imitation of Jeevan Saab.

DILWALE settles its base in Asian Paints sponsored Buenos Aires, Venice and Charleston parts of Goa. Kids here if not driving modified multihued cars, sure would find themselves in a clash for ‘tera laal mere laal se jyada laal kaise?’. Raj [Shahrukh Khan] with his younger brother Veer [Varun Dhawan] runs a Dilip Chhabria inspired garage-cum-design factory and stays mostly as calm as Aloknath in any Barjatya film. Well, mostly. Soon, you find him throwing professional punches on 10-12 goons in a Shahenshah-like working module at nights to ensure audiences that the guy definitely has a dark past behind. Plot gets thicken when Veer meets Ishita [Kriti Sanon] and Raj discovers that the girl is the younger sister of his ex-flame Meera [Kajol]. The star-crossed lovers have many secrets to unravel including murders, betrayals and mix-ups.

So what if it belongs to an average formula of 90’s; DILWALE had a decent story to start with until Rohit Shetty starts promoting it as a great story. Bringing the best on-screen couple together after so long was alone a big pull for the film but Rohit couldn’t hold himself from polluting the same breezy idea of romance with his colossal caring for flying cars, blasting cars, drifting cars, toppling cars and the very dry and dreary sense of slapstick comedy. Since when and why do the charm of Shahrukh and the flair of Kajol need substantial comic sub-tracks having Boman Irani, Johnny Lever, Varun Sharma and Mukesh Tiwari? The film’s high points are mostly with Kajol where she looked, acted and ruled the screen in same potion of intensity, integrity and beauty she’s been always admired for. DILWALE also fails to recreate the chemistry between Kajol and Shahrukh. Rohit does ensure that they both look their best on-screen but it all comes out as a lifeless still postcard and not as a lively moment to cherish.

On the performances, Shahrukh does exactly what he’s been doing in CHENNAI EXPRESS & HAPPY NEW YEAR. He charms the ladies, woos the fans, promotes brands and guarantees a ‘No risk’ cover for his producers [He himself is the one]. Varun Dhawan becomes pathetic, irritating and unbearable at times. Kriti is good, balanced and doesn’t disappoint. Varun Sharma is wasted, especially in a girlfriend-bashing monologue inspired by Kartik Aryan’s in PYAAR KA PUNCHNAMA. Kajol is the only redeemer here but in those tiresome and trivial 2 hr 34 min of total duration, trust me, even her spark begins to fade.

At last, Rohit Shetty’s DILWALE is another product that highlights the demand and supply rule in Bollywood. Why to waste time and money on hunt for a concrete story if you can easily make hefty lot of money by just arranging some hit formula-bricks, without even considering the right order it should be in. The film sees around 100 brand tie-ups on opening graphic-plates; I missed brands for pain-relief tablets there. Take a pill, before you try to chill in the theatre! [2/5]

BAJIRAO MASTANI: In the League of Potential Classics! [4/5]

It is not 1960. Films don’t get tagged as ‘classics’ these days anymore. They are either judged by the sound of money they made at the box-office or the number of award-logos they managed to put in the opening graphic-slides before the actual film starts. Watching a 197-min long MUGHAL-E-AZAM, today in theatres, can in fact destroy the very idea of a ‘classic’ for a regular guy who’s not much into cinema, and has come out only to please his grandparents. In times of the shorter, darker and more realistic indie films, Sanjay Leela Bhansali shows the guts to bless Indian screens with the legacy that believed in telling stories from the historical past in the most decorous manner. Classics are made like that only. And to the expectations, Bhansali doesn’t falter in any of the art-forms used while making this motion-picture. Magnum-opus BAJIRAO MASTANI is mesmeric in every frame, mind-blowing in every performance and miraculously magical in depicting Bhansali’s perfectly designed yet tortured world of love chained in pain, angst and grief.

The great Maratha Warrior Peshwa Bajirao [Ranveer Singh] is rising as an invincible threat to the Mughal Empire and its supporting forces. He’s a rare and unbeatable combination of power, passion and mental strength. In his mission to build ‘Akhand Bharat’, he lends his help to his neighboring state Bundelkhand and the victory brings him close to the daughter of its king Chhatrasal. Fearless Mastani [Deepika Padukone] being half-Rajput, half-Muslim girl, is now destined to face the extreme dislike, heavy rejections and sharp protests from everyone around Peshwa. If Bajirao’s first wife Kashibai [Priyanka Chopra] uses her silence against the injustice to her love and loyalty, the religious bodies declare it in full vocal. Bajirao may have the honor to never taste a defeat in any of the battles he appears in but this conflict between love, loyalty, religion and political establishments will definitely put him on the spot. Despite being a 3-century old political love-story, BAJIRAO MASTANI speaks on various grounds that are still much in fashion. In one of the few ‘in your face’ scenes, Mastani encounters one religion-protector with, “religions might have chosen one particular color dedicated to represent them. But the colors never go for any religion.” The social elimination of second marriage and love outside marriage gets thrashed heartlessly despite the Peshwa himself being in it.

With BAJIRAO MASTANI, Sanjay Leela Bhansali pays his homage to MUGHAL-E-AZAM and it shows upfront. The plot-development itself vouches for the same. You don’t need a hint to find a reference in Mohe Panghat Pe Nandlal for Shreya Ghoshal’s Mohe Rang Do Lal. Bhansali also doesn’t hesitate to repeat himself in Pinga where both the leading actresses join the stage to recreate Madhuri-Aishwarya’s sensational faceoff in DEVDAS. Albela Sajan from HUM DIL DE CHUKE SANAM also gets a harmonious mention. Film’s extremely melodic numbers establish Bhansali’s another talent to look for [He’s the sole composer for the film]. The canvas of the film is richly done in visual effects, especially the battle-sequences and it succeeds in creating the era, setting and sight the story finds its root in. The excellence in camerawork, art-design and costumes make every frame a reason to celebrate the spirit of cinema.

On the performances, BAJIRAO MASTANI wholly rests and rises on Ranveer Singh’s prolific shoulders. Who can think of a regular looking guy in BAND BAAJA BARAAT taking on one of the most powerful characters in Indian history? And with such finesse? He is graceful, glorious and gifted. Deepika is another talent who’s constantly making fresh impressions with one electrifying performance after other. Her Mastani is tremendously bold, brave and bright. As devoted wife with pastoral looks and approach, Priyanka Chopra is in her finest form. Though her character-graph doesn’t allow her to go overboard beyond a point, she excels in her restricted skin. Tanvi Azmi as the mother and Milind Soman in a supporting role manage to hold your attention and admiration.

At the end, BAJIRAO MASTANI is not a classic. Not now. May be after a decade but not yet. It is 2 hr 38 min long. Most of us will find it dragged. Most of us will consider it outdated. But it successfully holds the fort of being in the league of films that have plenty potential to be referred as a ‘classic’. This is how one should dream his films and film his dreams. The master is at his best! [4/5]

ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES: Awe my Goddesses! [3/5]

As a cinema-lover largely all ears for the Hindi film Industry’s progressive inclinations for a change, there is always a sense of pride, surprise and triumph floating in my mind while watching celebrated filmmaker Pan Nalin’s bracing, pulsating and unforeseen new film ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES. Films on male-bonding look so archaic, parched and superfluous now. ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES marks the amazing arrival of Glocal [An amalgamated term for the new gene with Global & Local both the aspirations and establishments] Indian women in Bollywood. We all have been scrutinizing this cautious and careful movement for quite some time now, through the convinced characterizations and the confident and carefree performances by Deepika, Priyanka and Kangana in their deliberate choice of films but in only bits and pieces.

Here, in ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES, it all looks like an out in the open protest against the pigeonhole portrayal of Indian female in films. Watching as many as seven sensibly scintillating leading ladies of ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES smash every formula-fitting approach, erect a brand new attitude and establish a much-needed representation of the new, contemporary and modern breed of the other ‘equally-deserving’ half of the human race, is definitely one of the most satisfying moments Bollywood has seen this year, and in recent times. Had the writer-director been more alert, firm and uncompromising with the plot especially towards the invented end and more in-synced with the convincingly real performances of the ladies; the film would have gone beyond just being a trying path-breaker to a confirmed pacesetter.

The story brings women hailing from varied fields of life, stuck in their own crisis and now finding solace, support and strength in each other’s comradeship under one roof in Goa. Freida (Sarah Jane-Dias) is getting married. She has just left her latest photography assignment for a phony fairness brand. Mad (Anushka Manchanda) is trying her hard to impress the world with her kind of music. Suranjana (Sandhya Mridul) is strict and a street smart business-woman trapped in a land-dispute with an NGO runner, on same lines as the Singur land acquisition controversy. Pammi (Pavleen Gujral) is your typical rich housewife who has sold all her dreams to please the standard well-off family of her husband. Joanna (Amrit Maghera) is an aspiring actress forced to just wear cleavage-showing Cholis and call for help to ensure a tensed situation for Hero’s clap-generating entry in the name of acting. Then there are Lakshmi (Rajshree Deshpande) - the overtly fashionable maid and the simply-dressed yet strong-headed Nargis (Tannishtha Chatterjee)- an unexpected entry with lots of new revelations to take place.

The best from ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES comes in form of lightening moments where the girls share their experiences with the world outside those walls, where they recall their young-age aspirations to rock and shock the world now resting somewhere beneath the new responsibilities tossed upon them. The natural-‘no camera around’-freely flowing performances make ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES an amazing journey to watch. In one of the scenes, the girls are shown falling for a bare-chest handsome hunk unknowingly being watched and whistled at as the object of desire. This is not a regular sight in a Bollywood film. In another, the Sanskari housewife friend asks [spoiler alert] her lesbian friends, “woh toh theek hai, par tum log karte kaise ho?” ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES is packed with such rare pleasures, but only till it doesn’t get up to hold the flag in opposition to all the possible discriminations, crimes and intolerances against women in one film. The film drastically gets derailed from being naturally good to melodramatically substandard. Rape, murder, gender discrimination; you name it you’ll have it tackled here in the most hurried and comfortable manner. Till the time you reach the crowd-pleasing climax, you only wish Pan Nalin had stopped it exactly where he decided to start it. You can’t settle for what you are fighting against.

On the whole, ANGRY INDIAN GODDESSES is amazingly real, relatable and something you don’t see very often on Indian screens. Out of these seven fiery, fearless and ferociously real leading ladies, each one will have her own share of approval and admiration in your heart. The film is not the reason to watch them; they are the reason to watch the film. [3/5]         

TAMASHA: A Bioscope to life, and to your ‘self’ within! [3.5/5]

I dare not go any sentence further in approving Imtiaz Ali’s most personal artistic take on love, life and limitless conflicting conditions around the both, before having a word of strict advice for you that TAMASHA is not an easy watch. It neither is just another ‘boy-meets-girl’ love-story to write, shoot, edit and release. Only an Imtiaz Ali can helm the project of such risky, self-destructive and boomerang-like nature; and my suggestions here are heading towards Imtiaz Ali of today and not of pre-ROCKSTAR. If JAB WE MET and SOCHA NA THA were busy twisting the lighter side of love, if ROCKSTAR and HIGHWAY were falling for the darker region; TAMASHA is a multihued psychological exercise to reinvent, reestablish and renew your ‘self’ under mystically painful care and custody of love. TAMASHA is not an extravagant, star-studded, all flashy WIZCRAFT production of a celebrity world-tour but a cute, tiny, little bioscope which immediately transports you to the world of your dreams and your aspirations; where you’re the ‘Tamasha’ and not just a sitting idle spectator.  

In the very earliest scenes, Imtiaz makes Piyush Mishra playing an older than the old storyteller in the film mouth an exposition when he mixes up with two different stories of worlds poles apart, “toh pareshaani kya hai? The story is always the same. Do not fall for their names, places and other details. Just sit back and enjoy.” and that’s enough to hint you about the most predictable plot one can have for a love-story. Boy meets girl, on the beautiful locations in Corsica, France. They decide not to reveal their identities and be complete strangers to each other. Both part their ways. Four years down, the girl still in awe of the vibrant personality of the boy reaches to him. He is now succumbed to the all emotionless, motorized and mechanical race of the corporate world. The girl rejects the new bore. The dejected boy is now looking for a new end to his story. After all, it is never too late to start a fresh. Now as an easy entertainment seeker, you may voice a question that why always the same story, even the tagline on the posters suggests the same but then, I think TAMASHA was never about the story. It doesn’t take the easy route with over-simplified solutions to the monstrous-looking problems but decides to go on the ‘self-discovery’ mode to find some of the toughest answers only you and life can juice it out together.

There are more than a couple of reasons when I call Imtiaz the new-age ‘Yash Chopra’. The way he makes it happen, the way he breaks into the susceptible space of separation and the way he paints the pain, is meticulously relatable, unswerving and apt. He hardly creates a situation; he just opens up another unseen layer buried deep within his characters. Apart from the dialogues that rarely sound anything written, scrumptious camerawork, soul-pleasing soundtrack by A R Rahman and imaginatively decorated lyrics by Irshad Kamil, TAMASHA marks towering performances from both the leads. Though the film belongs more to Ranbir Kapoor’s character in the central role, let me honor Deepika Padukone first to talk about. The cranky, complaining independent girl of PIKU here shows off her complete different avatar in a more edgy, persuasive and in pain character of an anxious lover. You don’t have to make an extra effort to notice some of her atypical expressions you sure haven’t seen anywhere else. If she effortlessly makes your heart bleed in ‘Agar Tum Saath Ho’, she also steals it with her sparkling eyes even while being utterly there in playful conversations with Ranbir.  And now the boy himself! TAMASHA brings back Ranbir in the race. The inconsistent ‘velvet’y touch is forgiven and forgotten. The all new and fresh Kapoor shifts gears like a pro. The bathroom scene, the story-telling session at home, the apology scene; there are moments that will haunt you even after full night sleeps in the next couple of days. Undoubtedly, one of the best performances this year!

Despite going into a self-pleasing theatrical mode and uncommonly imprecise scenes of creative satisfaction, Imtiaz earns full marks on taking the risk most of the filmmakers today hesitate. Otherwise, who would dare to compose scenes with profile shots of the leads when they are busy sporting the most unforced yet intricate emotions on their face? TAMASHA is not flawless. TAMASHA is not regular. TAMASHA is inspiring. TAMASHA is mesmeric. TAMASHA is a journey you should take at least once in a lifetime to make it all right you couldn’t dare all these years. [3.5/5]     

PREM RATAN DHAN PAYO: Once upon a time….zzzZZZ! [1.5/5]

Enough said about films that still fall [in literal sense] for 80’s/90’s standard set of emotions to put the cash-registers ringing at the box-office! No, they aren’t nostalgic anymore. Do not hide your sorry state of creative drought behind the curtains of so-called ‘classic age-old charm’! Kings do exist in today’s world; I am aware of some leading that extravagant life in those grand forts of the ‘half palace-half heritage hotel’ nature but trust me, there is no ‘Praja’ in any part of the country that dresses homogeneously in pink sarees and in white kurta-dhoti. But for that tiny little piece of insight, Sooraj R. Barjatya needs to get up from his dining table which serves a daily dose of ‘Sanskar’ more than the reality. Rajshri Productions Pvt Ltd’s PREM RATAN DHAN PAYO is the most confused film I have come across in my life. It neither bores you with its trademark spell of ‘gyaan’ on true Indian values in a ‘softer than melting cheese’ tone nor does tickle you with the all well-bred, polite and ‘cultured’ idea of romance.

PREM RATAN DHAN PAYO comes from the house of traditions where a copy of Ramayana should constantly be there on your study table, no matter how old or young you are. Though the plot takes its cues from THE PRISONER OF ZENDA- an 1894 novel by Anthony Hope and Mark Twain’s THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER, you can easily find the inspirations and the aspirations straight from the Ramayana. The king of ‘Whatever-pur’ [Sameer Dharmadhikari] had 3 wives like King Dashrath had. Two of the wives being legal and one being often called as ‘mashooka’ of the king, there sure is plenty scope of step-brothers and step-sisters to deal with.

So, the elder son Vijay [Salman Khan] has Ajay [Neil Nitin Mukesh], Chandrika [Swara Bhaskar], Radhika [Aashika Bhatia] as his step-siblings and all the setbacks a family of such nature could have. Just a couple of days before his coronation; the prince meets a schemed fatal accident and now, the trustworthy associates [Anupam Kher and gang] have no other choices left but to replace him with his look-alike Prem [Salman, again] to save the situation. Sonam Kapoor plays Maithili- the princess engaged to the real prince but is now reinventing love in the fake one.

PREM RATAN DHAN PAYO is a shoddily directed film where the scale is intentionally big but the soul in the content hardly makes an appearance. Film opens in Ayodhya (a dream location for Rajshri] where Prem is seen switching his accent carelessly and shamelessly from Awadhi to Rajasthani. The battleground for the plot supposedly finds its root in a location 50 Kms away from Ayodhya but can clearly be judged as some rocky royal place in Rajasthan. Aren’t Google maps free to double-check? It’s not that Sooraj doesn’t show any evolution in his mind. There is a constant joke on Anupam Kher being a virgin and I think that’s an achievement for a Rajshri film. So what if in the same film, the cleavage showing girl has to be the wicked one or vice-a-versa and the short-skirts can only be worn behind the closed doors. In a scene; when asked by a reporter if the coronation is not an out-dated procedure in today’s times, the prince intimidates him with, “do you think traditions are funny?” I wish I could answer on his behalf, “No sire, they aren’t funny but looking at what you [Mr. Barjatya] suggest, they are definitely too plain, painful, pale and pointless to be on screen”.

On the performances, I would not dare rate Mr Salman Khan. Though he’s completely comfortable and contented in his zone, his fans would certainly miss a lot of his ‘I don’t give a damn’ mannerism and slapstick action. Sonam Kapoor tries hard, as usual. Arman Kohli as one of the conspirators looks all bulky, grisly and ‘suit’able to the part but acts no better than Neil Nitin Mukesh. Deepak Dobriyal impresses in a scene or two. Swara is so typecast you would hardly notice if she’s from the sets of RAANJHNAA. And what was Sanjai Mishra doing here?

At the end, I don’t see why and how this PREM RATAN DHAN PAYO will entertain families in today’s times especially when there is no ‘Sanskar’ to look up to, no ‘Prem’ to feel shivers of emotion and no cinema [apart from the grand sets and the heavily aspirational designer clothing] to at least calm your senses. There is a scene having a camel gulping down Salman’s diary and suddenly Salman starts calling it ‘Kamil’ for no rhyme and reason. Well, Kamil is none other than the lyricist of the film Irshad Kamil and the joke is not at him but at the makers as how ‘Sanskari’ you are towards your people of strength! Anything 3-hr long can be a drag but this one sets the milestone. ‘Raja-rani ki kahani’ still works to put you to sleep! [1.5/5]

SHAANDAAR: Epic fail! [1.5/5]

Learn the rules before you choose to unlearn everything and make as many mistakes as you could never afford earlier. Is this the new addition in the rulebook for filmmakers in Bollywood? If not so, I fear there has to be some scam as how and why Vikas Bahl would choose a flawed, faulty and fire-less script like SHAANDAAR for his next after the all brave, bold and one of the best films in recent times QUEEN. Has creative complacency hit the talent in question? I hope not but SHAANDAAR is a discouraging example of ‘you never go in a memorial service to just admire the beauty of the coffin’; unless you are in a black humor production which even SHAANDAAR is supposedly not.

With SHAANDAAR, Vikas Bahl tries to show us what fate the candy-floss cinema of Disney would meet if made in Bollywood. The only fact he probably forgets midway that Disney itself has tasted the same flavor of disappointment in their first foray, most would not love to remember as KHOOBSURAT starring Sonam Kapoor. Bahl transports the viewers straight from the all relatable Janakpuri in Delhi [where QUEEN was located] to some fancy and fairy place of vast green lawns, serene lakes dipped in blue moonlight and cosmic castles on the likes of Czech historical architecture.

The plot itself is hugely borrowed, traditional and uncomplicated but a perfect in all probability for a fairytale romantic film. An insomniac orphan is brought into an overcast house where everyone lives under the dark shadow of a controlling, scheming and evil old lady [the veteran Sushma Seth]. 20 years down the line, the orphan Alia [Alia Bhatt] still gets consoled by her father [Pankaj Kapoor] that someday, someone will come in her life to make her sleep. The prince charming enters as the wedding planner Jagjinder Jogindar [Shahid Kapoor] for the other daughter of the house [Sanah Kapoor]. Now, this wedding chaos sees the gold-obsessed Fundwani [Sanjay Kapoor] with his gym-loving dumbbell brother-cum-groom making it all a business deal with the old-lady. Both the families are on the edge of bankruptcy and see the other as the only hope for their survival.

Vikas Bahl beautifully introduces the elements of fine animation to tell the story whenever it decides to travel in flashback. Those three chunks of animated part are so impressive, well-designed and technically clean that you wish it lasts for the rest two hours also, of the total duration of the film. The screenplay and the dialogues [by Anvita Dutt] are totally uneven, patchy and distasteful. The orphan being not an orphan but an illegitimate child is never a revelation. And why it has to be a fact always maintained in a Bollywood film that the male designer will be a gay in hideout? Bahl earned respects of all sorts for bringing out the undiscovered layers in today’s women’s personality and with such boldness that one feels proud to have someone so gutsy but here, his female characters are either too strong-headed or in too compromising position. A plump, curvy and bulky bride to be is teased continuously for obvious reasons but waits for her father and the large-hearted prince to intervene. Sometimes, just one slap on screen ensures scores of claps inside the theater! You missed it, Mr. Bahl!

With Pankaj Kapoor, Shahid and his sister Sanah in one frame, SHAANDAAR is more interesting family affair off-screen than on-screen. The sparkling chemistry between the three Kapoors is cheering. Sanah impresses with her first acting sting and her lovely and lively presence on screen. Alia is a complete show-stealer. The innocence she brings with her matches the emotional need of the character. Niki Walia captures your attention in her comeback. Sanjay Kapoor’s being there can only be seen as a justification of budget issues to cast Anil Kapoor.

Overall, SHAANDAAR remains Vikas Bahl’s over-ambitious, forgettable and flawed expedition to the corrupt commercial world of box-office driven success where content takes back seat and the canvas holds the steering wheel. An epic fail! [1.5/5]

प्यार का पंचनामा 2 : ‘मर्दों’ की फिल्म, ‘मर्दों’ के लिए ! [1.5/5]

पंचनामा यानी पोस्टमार्टम अकसर मरने या मारे जाने के बाद की प्रक्रिया होती है, जिसमें इस विषय के जानकार लोग ‘कारण और प्रभाव’ के तमाम पहलुओं की छानबीन कर किसी एक ठोस नतीजे पर पहुँचते हैं. अब प्यार का पंचनामा हो रहा है तो ये दोहराने की जरूरत नहीं होनी चाहिए कि प्यार पहले से ही मर चुका है, या मार दिया जा चुका है. अब तो बस उसका पोस्टमार्टम हो रहा है, तो लोगों को ज्यादा संवेदनशील होने की भी जरूरत नहीं है. तकलीफ बस इतनी है कि लव रंजन अपनी फिल्म ‘प्यार का पंचनामा २’ में अपनी सारी ताकत सिर्फ ये कायम करने में झोंक देते हैं कि इन सब के पीछे कसूरवार सिर्फ लड़कियां हैं. लड़कियां बेवकूफ हैं, लड़कियां मतलबी हैं, लड़कियां धोखेबाज़ और झूठी भी हैं. और लड़के, उस सीधी गाय की तरह जिसे अपने कटने-बंटने और बिकने पर चल रही गन्दी राजनीति की भनक भी नहीं.

गो-गो [कार्तिक आर्यन] चीकू [नुसरत भरुचा] के साथ पहली बार मिल रहा है. पता है? उसका फ़ेवरेट फ्रूट चीकू है. खाने में भी उसे चीकू से बनी हुई चीजें ही ऑर्डर करनी हैं मसलन चीकू सूप. टेबल की दूसरी ओर हाड़-मांस से बनी चीकू की हंसी गो-गो के मसखरेपन पर रुक ही नहीं रही. और मुझे आ ही नहीं रही. ठाकुर [ओंकार कपूर] की ठकुराईन [इशिता शर्मा] नए ज़माने की उन लड़कियों में से है, जिसे अपनी सहूलियत के हिसाब से डिनर का बिल आधा-आधा करते वक़्त तो ‘औरतों की पुरुषों से बराबरी’ का सिद्धांत समझ आता है पर महंगे आई-फ़ोन पर अपने बॉयफ्रेंड का क्रेडिट कार्ड इस्तेमाल करते वक़्त ज्यादा हो-हल्ला नहीं मचातीं. बाकी बचे चौक्के [सनी सिंह] को फुर्सत ही नहीं सुप्रिया [सोनाली सहगल] के घर पर उसके माँ-बाप का सारा काम करने से, इस उम्मीद पर कि एक दिन सुप्रिया सही वक़्त देखकर उन्हें अपने प्यार के बारे में बता देगी. अब इन तीनों प्रेम-कहानियों में ये तीनों भोले-भाले लड़के इन तीनों लड़कियों के चंगुल में बुरी तरह फंसे नज़र आते हैं.         

लव रंजन की ‘प्यार का पंचनामा २’ अपनी पहली पेशकश को ही भुनाने की एक और कोशिश से ज्यादा कुछ नहीं है. ये उस एक जोकबुक की तरह है, जिसके सारे तो नहीं पर ज्यादातर चुटकुले एकरस, एकतरफा और जबरदस्ती के ठूंसे हुए हैं. गिनती की अच्छी परफॉरमेंस, सधा हुआ डायरेक्शन और कुछ सचमुच अच्छे और हंसी भरे संवादों के अलावा, ये फिल्म बहुत देर तक आपको बांधे नहीं रख पाती. ‘‘प्यार का पंचनामा २’ देखते वक़्त मुझे गुजरे ज़माने की उन फिल्मों की याद बहुत आई, जिनमें सीधी-सादी बहु पूरी फिल्म में दुष्ट सास के जुल्म सहती रहती है. फर्क सिर्फ इतना है, उनमें बहु को बचाने कोई न कोई भलामानस क्लाइमेक्स तक चला ही आता था, वरना दोनों ही फिल्मों को देखने में मानसिक कष्ट ज्यादा होता है. फिल्म को और तकलीफदेह बना देता है जबरदस्ती की गालियों से भरे इसके संवाद, जो उनके किरदारों के हिसाब से तो एकदम सटीक हैं पर सेंसर बोर्ड से ‘म्यूट’ होने के बाद सिर्फ चिडचिडाहट पैदा करते हैं, और कुछ नहीं. अगर हम एक ‘एडल्ट’ फिल्म देख रहे हैं तो बेहतर नहीं होता कि किरदार कुछ संजीदा और सयाने ‘एडल्ट’ विषयों पर बात कर रहे होते बजाय इसके कि पूरी फिल्म में सिर्फ ‘मेरी मार लो’ और ‘मैं चू** हूँ’ की ढपली बजा रहे हैं? लेकिन फिर, ‘एडल्ट’ को हम इसी एक नजरिये से तो देखते आये हैं.

कार्तिक आर्यन के सात मिनट लम्बे ‘नारी-विरोधी’ संवाद-सीन को और सनी सिंह के ईमानदार अभिनय को अगर छोड़ दें, तो फिल्म में ढेरों ऐसी वजहें हैं जो इसे एक ‘नीरस, उबाऊ और अपमानजनक’ फिल्म बनाती हैं. ओंकार कपूर [‘छोटा बच्चा जान के’ के बाल कलाकार] के अभिनय-प्रयास पर अगर उनकी गाढ़ी-घनी-रोबदार भौंहें ग्रहण लगा देती हैं तो नुसरत का ‘ओवर द टॉप’ अभिनय परेशान ही करता है. फिल्म के तमाम दृश्यों में उसके किरदार प्यार-मुहब्बत और शादी को सेक्स से जोड़ कर देखते हैं, और इस हद तक कि जब उनका गुस्सा फूटता है तो लड़कों को ‘अपने हाथ’ से ही शादी कर लेने की सलाह तक दे डालते हैं. फिल्म और फिल्म के लेखक-निर्देशक लव रंजन [हमने फिल्म-मेकिंग के कुछ सबक साथ ही में सीखे हैं] मेरी बधाई के पात्र होते, ग़र उन्होंने फिल्म के अंत में तीनों दोस्तों को समलैंगिकता की तरफ झुकते हुए दिखाने का साहस किया होता, क्यूंकि लड़कियां तो बेवकूफ हैं, मतलबी हैं, धोखेबाज़ हैं! [1.5/5]              

JAZBAA: Not all Greens are good! [2/5]

The reason behind a remake can be disciplined into more than one intention or culpable justification. Recreating the success story at the box-office now in your favor [HUM AAPKE HAIN KOUN…! tops the list] is one. Blessing the original with a new perspective to instate your radical creative expression [DEV D could be the most genre-defining example] is other. Meanwhile, some choose to be unapologetically lazy to create anything at their own. Calculatedly, Sanjay Gupta’s JAZBAA is a lethal combination belonging to each one of the above given grounds but unintentionally it proves to be one of those lame efforts that make the original look a classic while it wasn’t. JAZBAA is nothing but the return of a ‘stuck in his own world’ filmmaker who believes more in styling their actors than in making them dive into the characters they are playing on-screen, to a great deal of depth.

Looking at the vital components in the plot, Korean thriller ‘SEVEN DAYS’ was a perfect film destined to be remade by Sanjay Gupta at any given time. Tainted characters, twisted plot and the dark world of crime to deal with; Gupta has always a ‘green’ eye for such vulnerable subject. Criminal lawyer and a single-parent Anuradha Verma [Mrs Rai Bachchan] never minds taking false cases from evidently guilty clients as only they can afford her services and not the innocent ones. Though we rarely see her best foot being put forward in the court scenes, the tag of being an advocate with 100% success record is forced-feed to us very conveniently. One day, her daughter goes missing and now the abductor wants her to take the case of a rapist and murderer [Chandan Roy Sanyal] and bring him back alive from the death ropes. Anuradha has a ticking bomb in her hands that makes her run, jump and chase to save her daughter. Suspended corrupt cop Yohaan [Irrfan] is the only helping shadow by her side.

Sanjay Gupta with Robin Bhatt doesn’t feel any shame in lifting clues and cues from its original Korean film. While the original has managed to stick on the plot as a plain crime thriller, Gupta does make an effort to make it socially relevant film by raising the burning issue of rapes in India. He makes his characters speak about it. He ends the film with stats and facts about the issue. And this was the only addition apart from the veteran Kamlesh Pandey’s verbal punches but the way Sanjay Gupta deals with it; I think it declines more on the ‘exploitation’ side. Gupta gives you all shiny and well-styled characters that wear sunglasses even at the darkest places on earth, show off their ‘killer’ attitude through the cheesy one-liners that could easily get turned into a cheap ‘Whats App’ picture message and cry out so loud you would start feeling sorry more for your eardrums than her pain. Here, even the most insignificant characters treat you as the punching bag in their drawing room and keep throwing at you heavily philosophical lines about life, death and what not.

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan in her comeback shows magical sparks in her presence on screen like the way she always has in her. No matter how intense or depressing the scene is, you could never turn aside your eyes from appreciating her flawless beauty. You can count the same a negative in a performance based role like this. Irrfan plays it ultra-cool and takes away all the claps and whistles every time he talks something utter meaningless yet massy lines. Shabana Azmi is as melodramatic as she could be yet her being in the frame itself brings more credence, power and life altogether. Jackie Shroff, Atul Kulkarni, Abhimanyu Singh and Chandan Roy Sanyal are wasted.

In an interesting scene, Irrfan beats a guy when he asks for his right not to be arrested by a suspended cop. Irrfan makes it clear then and there that it is no Hollywood film but a Bollywood one where anything can happen. JAZBAA could have been a good thriller if the melodrama, styling, obsessively done color-correction and uninspiring background sound would have not shadowed the more significant aspect of the filmmaking i.e. honest storytelling. Wait till it premiers on TV and you might enjoy the latest addition in Bollywood’s ‘Khan-brigade’ with all the required swag; Irrfan! [2/5]             

SINGH IS BLIING: Bad, boorish and boring! [1.5/5]

Placing a graphical ‘homage’ plate belonging mostly to the financer’s/the producer’s departed family members just before the movie actually starts is an everyday fashion in Bollywood. The movie doesn’t really require to believe in following ethics and morals the ‘ever smiling’ gentleman in the picture might have been practicing all his life but his blessings are always needed there as if only that can ensure the pleasant monetary shower at the box-office. Now, I would like to see some bollywood films to carry an added plate of ‘RIP Cinema’ as they seldom show any hint of having the same in nature, intent and content. PrabhuDheva’s SINGH IS BLIING should be considered the leading light for putting this into practice. Leave cinema as the technique alone, this one doesn’t bother to get down to the nitty-gritty of filmmaking process i.e. story, plot and screenplay. It only marks an infertile collaboration of two so-called creative minds who think they can pull out any shit under the prestigious tag of entertainment.

SINGH IS BLIING in its name itself denies any promise to gift you anything logical or digestible. Raftaar Singh [Khiladi Kumar] is a 45 year plus blockhead who can plant a dog with artificial coat of fur when the real lion goes missing. And is also an English illiterate who won’t move an inch if you just throw the word ‘go’ at him and don’t signal with your hands. I wonder if the ‘Sarv Shiksha Abhiyaan’ is really a success or the Punjab shown in the film is actually on Mars! Meanwhile, a Romanian girl Sara [Amy Jackson] has to come to India [comfortably in Goa] as some crazyhead gangster [Kay Kay Menon] wants her life for I don’t recall why. Raftaar is now guarding her body with two equally irritating friends from Punjab and a geeky translator [Lara Dutta, actually and only one funny]. What follows next can never be described as a storyline. There are only a number of skits put together to reach an average film’s length. The girl has also a hidden agenda to search for her separated mommy. Raftaar has to take her Punjab for exactly 4 scenes and a song. The love-story between an English ignorant and the exact opposite girl blooms over annoying conversations full of miscommunication and more than 60% of it being subtitled in Hindi. And then; a side-track involving Lara and the two supporting comedians where Lara sleepwalks [Why to only blame her if everyone else also does the same in the film?] and crushes both’s manhood responsible for reproduction purposes with coconut! Painful it is. For viewers too!

PrabhuDheva’s rotten idea of comedy gels perfectly with the mannerism-driven physical buffoonery Akshay Kumar brings on screen. He is cool, casual and confident about him playing a Mr. Beans with turban. With no rhyme or reason, Kumar and Prabhu both keep exploiting the Sikh-sentiments throughout the film. Amy Jackson as the goon-bashing girl is narrowed to speak in accented English and is never forced to try Hindi dialogues. Strategy to save some nuisance successful! Kay Kay Menon looks out still stuck in his DRONA days. In his limited role, he’s limited too. The son of Shashi Kapoor, Kunal Kapoor [of VIJETA fame] makes a guest appearance and does succeed in reminding his father’s on-screen charisma and presence in flares and flashes. Lara Dutta plays it very outlandish; but trust me, it works very well in favor of the character’s guts. Her character might go main lead from the supporting cast if someone behind the writing desk could identify the hidden potential there.

Overall, SINGH IS BLIING is nothing but a smart selling idea to encash the success of SINGH IS KINGG. The next offering in the series could be anything under the name ‘SINGH IS FLING’ or ‘SINGH IS CLING’. After all, who cares what it means? The film sees ‘Grazing Goat Pictures’ credited for the story. Now, I can imagine why. Who would want to get associated with such inadmissible, unfortunate and regrettable piece of writing? Avoidable! [1.5/5]           

तलवार : साल की सबसे बेहतरीन फिल्मों में से एक ! [4.5/5]

सबूतों, गवाहों और उनके बयानों के मद्देनजर सच को तलाशने की जुगत में अपनी भावनाओं को अलग रख कर एक तटस्थ माध्यम बने रहना बहुत ही मुश्किल है. हम जो देखना चाहते हैं, जो सुनना चाहते हैं और जो मानना चाहते हैं, उसी के इर्द-गिर्द सच्चाई की परिकल्पना तैयार करने में लग जाते हैं. हैरत की बात नहीं, जब एक ही घटना से जुड़े तमाम लोगों का सच एक-दूसरे से एकदम अलग दिखाई और सुनाई देने लगते हैं. मेघना गुलज़ार की ‘तलवार’ हमारी पुलिस, कानून और न्याय व्यवस्था पर एक ऐसा तंज है, जो अपनी बात रखने के लिए सनसनीखेज तरीकों का इस्तेमाल बिलकुल नहीं करती और सच्चाई के करीब रहने की एक भरपूर और कामयाब कोशिश करती है. सच्ची और रोमांचक आपराधिक कहानियों पर आपने बहुत सी फिल्में देखीं होंगी, अच्छी भी, बुरी भी पर ‘तलवार’ जिस ख़ामोशी और ईमानदारी से आपको डराने, सचेत करने और गुस्सा दिलाने में सक्षम साबित होती है, कोई और फिल्म उस ऊंचाई तक पहुँचने का साहस ही नहीं कर पाती.

नोएडा, उत्तर प्रदेश में आरुषि हत्याकांड के घटनाक्रमों से प्रेरित, मेघना गुलज़ार की ‘तलवार’ बिना किसी की तरफदारी किये आपके सामने घटना का सिलसिलेवार ब्यौरा कुछ इस तरह रखती है, जैसे अकीरा कुरोसावा की फिल्म ‘रशोमोन’. जैसे-जैसे घटनाक्रम अपने तौर-तरीके, रंग-रूप और हाव-भाव  बदलती है, हमारा नजरिया, हमारी सोच, किरदारों के प्रति हमारी वफादारी भी उतनी ही तेज़ी से पलटती दिखाई देती है. पेशे से डॉक्टर, टंडन दम्पति [नीरज कबी और कोंकणा सेन] की 14-वर्षीया एकलौती बेटी की लाश उसके ही कमरे में मिली है. शुरूआती जांच में लापरवाह पुलिस का शक घर के नौकर पर जाता है, जिसकी गैरमौजूदगी ही उसके मुजरिम होने का सबूत मान लिया जाता है. पुलिस की हडबडाहट तब बढ़ जाती है जब नौकर की लाश दो दिन बाद उसी घर की छत पर मिलती है. आनन-फानन में पुलिस अपने अधकचरे सबूतों के बल पर डॉक्टर-दम्पति को ही एक प्रेस-कांफ्रेंस के जरिये अपराधी घोषित कर देती है. टीवी में न्यूज़ पैनल पर बैठे दिग्गजों और सामने बैठे हम ड्रामा-पसंद भारतीयों को वैसे भी हमेशा से ऐसा ही सच भाता रहा है जिसमें कुछ सनसनीखेज हो, और फिर इस खुलासे में तो आंतरिक सम्बन्धों, रिश्तों में कालापन और भावुकता से लबरेज मसालों की कोई कमी ही नहीं थी. बहरहाल, जांच का जिम्मा अब CDI [क्रिमिनल डिपार्टमेंट ऑफ़ इन्वेस्टीगेशन] के पास है, जिसकी बागडोर काबिल ऑफिसर कुमार [इरफ़ान खान] संभाल रहे हैं.

‘तलवार’ एक ऐसी धारदार थ्रिलर फिल्म है जो आपके यकीन, आपकी समझ को हर वक़्त टटोलती और तौलती रहती है. हालाँकि पुलिस की बेपरवाह जांच वाले दृश्य मज़ेदार हैं, आपको हंसी भी आती है पर एक डर भी आपके जेहन को जकड़े रहता है कि जहां व्यवस्था इतनी लचर, लापरवाह और पूर्वाग्रहों से ग्रसित है वहाँ इन्साफ की उम्मीद करना कितना मुश्किल है. हत्या जैसे बड़े अपराधों में पुलिस जिस बेरुखी और बेदिली से काम करती दिखाई देती है, और फिर कानून व्यवस्था जिस बेरहमी से उसके नतीजों के साथ खिलवाड़ करती है, आप बेचैन हुए बिना रह नहीं पाते. लगातार बदलते गवाह, सबूतों की अनदेखी, जन-मानस की भावनाओं को संतुष्ट करने की कवायद और समाज की सोच को न्याय का मापदंड बनाते हमारे न्याय-मंदिर, इस फिल्म में बहुत कुछ है जो आपके दिल को काफी वक़्त तक कचोटता रहेगा.

इतने सब के बावजूद, फिल्म आपके मनोरंजन में कोई कमी नहीं छोडती. ब्लैक ह्यूमर के कुछ बहुत ही सधे हुए प्रयोग आपको इस फिल्म में देखने मिलेंगे. घर के एक कमरे से दूसरे कमरे तक आवाज़ पहुँचने-न पहुँचने की जांच परख में एक सहायक अधिकारी का लोकगीत गाना और फिल्म के बेहतरीन अंतिम क्षणों में पहली टीम का दूसरी जांच टीम के हास्यास्पद नतीजों की खिल्ली उड़ाना, फिल्म के बहुत सारे मजेदार दृश्यों में से कुछ ख़ास हैं. फिल्म के एक नाटकीय प्रसंग में, तब्बू का होना फिल्म को देखने की एक और वजह दे जाता है. तब्बू इरफ़ान की बीवी की भूमिका में हैं, जिनके रिश्ते में अब अगर कुछ बचा है तो बस तलाक, हालाँकि कोर्ट में दोनों के पास कोई भी वजह नहीं है. इन दोनों के रिश्ते में गुलज़ार साब की फिल्म ‘इजाज़त’ की झलक और मौजूदगी बड़ी ख़ूबसूरती से पिरोई गयी है.  अभिनय की कहें तो इरफ़ान अपनी भूमिका में पूरी तरह रचे-बसे दिखाई देते हैं. ये उनकी कुछ बेहद जटिल भूमिकाओं में से एक है, जहां उनके किरदार के जज़्बाती उतार-चढ़ाव उन्हें अभिनय के लिए काफी बड़ा कैनवास दे जाते हैं. नीरज कबी और कोंकणा सेन [खास तौर पर ‘अभी रोना भी है’ वाले सीन में] उम्दा हैं. सोहम शाह, गजराज राव, अतुल कुमार अपनी भूमिकाओं में कहीं कोई कसर नहीं छोड़ते.

अंत में; मेघना गुलज़ार की ‘तलवार’ एक बेहद कसी हुई, सुलझी, समझदार और बहुत बढ़िया फिल्म है. एक ऐसी फिल्म, जो सच को सनसनीखेज नहीं बनाती, फिर भी आप पर अपनी पकड़ कभी ढीली नहीं पड़ने देती. साल की सबसे बेहतरीन फिल्मों में से एक, और थ्रिलर फिल्मों में शायद सबसे ऊपर! न देखने की कोई वजह ही नहीं! [4.5/5] 

KIS KISKO PYAR KAROON: Love it? Naah, leave it! [1/5]

In times when Govinda is pushing himself hard to reinvent his career with at least ‘his best in considerately not-so-good films’, someone is trying to do a typical Govinda act. I laugh, but hardly at the act and mostly at the ridiculous choice one has made to mark his calling for the big screen. Abbas-Mustan’s KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON sees not only the rise of absurd, silly and tasteless writing in bollywood comedies seeking laughs at each & every scene but also the regrettable fall of the magical talent of India’s most-loved entertainer on Television named & famed as Kapil Sharma. I really wonder if one should go dumb before enjoying these comedies. If so, where should I dump my brain jam-packed with all the hard-earned sense and sensibilities? I think the makers should set up a counter outside the theatre.

KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON tries to be a situational comedy where the situations are all fabricated, unreasonable and totally convenient to the plot. It is also a film that questions and insults the intellect of today’s women exactly the way Kapil hits on his TV show. Here, he plays Shiv Ram Kishen Kumar- a millionaire owning 4 flats in a skyscraper on the most-expensive Nariman Point of Mumbai [I can be wrong of the exact address though], 3 wives [Manjari Phadnis, Sai Lokur & Simran Kaur Mundi] to fill in as some of the designer furniture and a hot-body girlfriend [Eli Avram] supposedly being the ‘love’ of his life. Hard to digest? Wait, there is more. Considering the same apartment they are placed smartly by their ‘all in one’ husband, the wives become friends. They party together. They shop together. In fact, they jog together but their mind doesn’t shift an inch to find out that they are sharing the same man. I m not judging them but how can one marry a guy without knowing his full name. This guy in polygamy uses each part of his name as his identity to all 4 girls in his life. And guess what, the sympathy is always in the court of the husband. Actually, he plays a Krishna from Mahabharata who prefers to marry every ‘Abla Naari’ in his way to rescue them from their ill-fated world. The only problem here is, there is no religion to back the faith in his persona. Comedy could possibly be the force but sadly, it also fails.

KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON is a film that believes in creating problems in name of the plot-development and then solving all of it in an explanatory and emotional climax. One’s misery is other’s laugh but it all become offensive when you see everyone acting calm as the deads about serious issues like polygamy, cheating, extra-marital affairs and all of that related to women’s respect. Could we also react the same way if a woman is seen playing wife to 4 different men? Would we not call her names? I think enough is never enough for Bollywood filmmakers. The film constantly hits the low in comedy and becomes a torture at some point. How many millions of times you want to laugh at a man hiding his identity with banging his face in the cake? People carry the ‘printed’ photographs to identify someone in times of e-mails, Whats App and Camera-phones. I mean, really? An underworld don [Arbaaz Khan] can orchestrate a 5-crore ransom but can’t afford a hearing-aid. I know why. To bless the film’s writer buy some more screen-time to try his luck in making us laugh at one’s disability. Someone is sick. Really!

Surprisingly, the supporting cast contributes more to work in favor of the film’s whole propaganda of being a comedy film than the principal cast. Varun Sharma despite acting his regular methods since his first break in FUKREY is very much watchable. Jamie Lever, the daughter of ace comedian Johnny Lever shows a great promise and has the most fertile and the best gags in the movie. Arbaaz Khan, Sharat Saxena and Supriya Pathak Kapur are also a much relief. The female brigade hardly impresses. And now the man himself; no one can actually doubt Kapil’s ability to make people laugh but the big canvas is a different ball game altogether. Here, actors rarely manage to go beyond the script to instate their strata even if the film is bad. And I am talking about actors.

At the end, KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON is a big forgettable comic set. On Television, it might go overlooked but watching someone mouthing cheesy one-liners on big screen and not noticing his all dull, dry and dead lips sans lip-balm is the worst screen-makeup I have seen. If banning is being a fashion these days, [Though I don’t encourage of any kinds] I would call a ban on these mindless comedies that could harm a lot within you. Go back to the television, if you really want to see Kapil’s infectious energy, honesty, charm and the ruling power he holds in his show. You won’t find any of these in KIS KISKO PYAAR KAROON. Nothing can force you to love it! [1/5]   

‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’: हम किसी से कम नहीं, पर कहानी में दम नहीं! [2.5/5]

‘गैंगस्टर’ सुनते ही मुंबई के ‘भाई लोग’ बिना इजाज़त लिए जेहन में खलबली मचाने लगते हैं. ‘सत्या’ के भीखू म्हात्रे से लेकर ‘वास्तव’ के रग्घू तक, बॉलीवुड हमेशा से इन टपोरियों-मवालियों और पंटर लोगों में अपनी कहानी के हीरो ढूंढता रहा है. जीशान क़ादरी इस चलन को तोड़ने की, या यूँ कहें तो एक नया चेहरा देने की कोशिश करते हैं. उनकी फिल्म ‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’, जैसा कि नाम से ही ज़ाहिर है, उत्तर प्रदेश के मेरठ और दिल्ली से सटे नोएडा के आस-पास के इलाकों को ही अपना गढ़ बनाती है. यहाँ बाप की कम पेंशन और मिडल-क्लास का रोना रोने वाले टपोरी नहीं होते. यहाँ होते हैं यूनिवर्सिटी हॉस्टल में कुर्सी-टेबल की तरह सालों से जमे हुए मुंहफट-अक्खड़-लड़ाकू ‘लौंडे’! यहाँ जो कुछ नहीं कर रहे होते, वो ‘लॉ’ कर रहे होते हैं. जल्दी और ज्यादा पैसे कमाने के लिए, कैरियर के नाम पर जिनके सामने दो ही आसान तरीके नज़र आते हैं, एक तो रियल इस्टेट का बिज़नेस और दूसरा ‘अगवाई’ यानी ‘किडनैपिंग’. जीशान अपनी पहली फिल्म में किरदारों के हाव-भाव, चाल-चलन और बोली पर तो अच्छी-खासी पकड़ बनाते दिखते हैं, पर फिल्म को बांधे रखने वाली एक अच्छी और मज़बूत कहानी की कमी उनके इस सराहनीय प्रयास को खोखला कर देती है.

मेरठ के ६ बेरोजगार [जयदीप अहलावत, आकाश दहिया, शादाब कमल, वंश भारद्वाज़, चन्द्रचूड़ राय और जतिन सरना] छोटी-मोटी छिनैती में तो पहले भी शरीक रहे हैं, पर जब नौकरी दिलाने वाली एक कंपनी के झांसे में आकर ठगे जाते हैं तो जाने-अनजाने फिरौती के धंधे में भी बोहनी कर बैठते हैं. फिर तो पीछे मुड़ के क्या देखना? हालात उस वक़्त रंग बदलने लगते हैं, जब उनकी उड़ान कुछ ज्यादा जल्दी ही आसमान छूने के ख्वाब देखने लगती है. लाखों की फिरौती अब करोड़ों में बदल गयी है और इन सब के बीच है एक पागल पुलिसवाला [मुकुल देव], जो अपने ऊपर वालों को भी दो-टूक सुनाने का कोई मौका नहीं छोड़ता.

‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’ में अगर कुछ है, जो इसे देखने लायक बनाता है तो वो हैं इसके किरदार. कहानी हालाँकि अपना असर बिलकुल नहीं छोडती, किरदार ही हैं जो आप तक रह जाते हैं. उनकी आम बोल-चाल का लहज़ा, उनके तेवर, उनका अख्खड़पन! फिल्म के एक दृश्य में गैंग का एक मेम्बर संजय फ़ोरेनर [अपने मेहंदी रंगे बालों की वजह से उसे ये नाम मिला है] अपने ही दोस्तों से खुद को गोली मरवाने की जिद पकडे बैठा है, क्यूंकि लड़की के बाप ने उसके खिलाफ़ पुलिस केस दर्ज करा दिया है, पर गैंग का लीडर टीवी पे क्रिकेट वर्ल्ड कप का मैच छोड़ना नहीं चाहता. और अंत में जब घटना को अंजाम देना है, तयशुदा गैंग-मेंबर उसे .22 की कम नुकसान पहुंचाने वाली बुलेट के बदले 303 की जानलेवा गोली दाग आता है. पश्चिमी उत्तर प्रदेश का झूठा पुरुष अहंवाद भी इन सब में कहीं-कहीं साफ़ झलकता है. अपने लीडर को उसकी प्रेमिका के नाखूनों पे रंग लगाते हुए देखना, गैंग में सबके लिए आसान नहीं होता. फिल्म के संवाद कहीं भी, एक पल के लिए भी किरदारों से छूटते दिखाई नहीं देते.

जीशान डायरेक्शन के अपने इस पहले प्रयास में कैमरे और अभिनेताओं के साथ कई सफल प्रयोगों के साथ प्रभावित करते हैं. मसलन, दोपहर से लेके रात तक चलने वाले एक शूटआउट सीन में उन्होंने गाने और स्टॉप-मोशन तकनीक का बखूबी इस्तेमाल किया है. इसी तरह फिल्म की शुरुआत में कॉलेज कैंटीन के और अंत में जेल के अन्दर के दृश्यों में वन-शॉट सीन का प्रयोग भी सराहनीय है. जयदीप [‘गैंग्स ऑफ़ वास्सेपुर’ के शाहिद खान] और आकाश [तनु वेड्स मनु रिटर्न्स] उम्दा हैं. शादाब कमल [‘बी ए पास’] निराश करते हैं. संजय मिश्रा, मुकुल देव, ब्रजेन्द्र काला ठीक-ठाक हैं.

अंत में; ‘मेरठिया गैंगस्टर्स’ की कहानी में जीशान की वो धार कहीं दिखाई नहीं देती जिसकी उम्मीद उन्होंने ‘गैंग्स ऑफ़ वास्सेपुर’ से जगाई थी पर एक नए उभरते डायरेक्टर के रूप में वो पूरी तरह असफल भी नहीं होते. मजेदार किरदार और उन्हें आत्मसात करते अभिनेता, इस फिल्म को काफी हद तक देखने लायक बनाये रखते हैं. फिल्म ख़तम होने के बाद भी ख़तम नहीं होती, और इसे वापस लौटने का एक इशारा भी समझा जा सकता है. इन किरदारों को एक बार और परदे पर देखने में मुझे तनिक हर्ज़ न होगा, अगर इस बार एक अच्छी-दमदार कहानी भी हाथ लग जाए! [2.5/5]

KATTI BATTI: A ‘yawn’ experience! [1.5/5]

Love-stories can be clichéd. One should never be ashamed of it or in the state of complete denial. In fact, there will always be the ‘boy-meets-girl’ design in the plot, some or the other way, but you can’t be so unimaginative, uninspired and uninteresting that no one would even try to invest their emotions in whatever story you’re telling or just cooking it up for the sake of it. Nikhil Advani’s KATTI BATTI is probably year’s most lackluster romantic film; not just because it lacks the chemistry, the spark, the romance or even the reason behind its existence but also, for being a ruthless demolisher of a proficient actor’s potential [That goes for Kangana]. This is a film where romance is judged by how competently you preserve the first 20-rupee note your ‘true love’ has offered you with her phone number on it, or how proudly you carry a piece of paper once used for writing the word ‘sorry’ as many as fifty times to brace your apology. I can hear you all going ‘Aww’ with multiple ‘W’s, girls! But this all happen, hold your breath, in a modern day live-in relationship! Growing up is a choice, I fear most of the Bollywood writers don’t like to go for.

The film is set in a world where every Madhav involuntarily becomes Maddy [Imran Khan] but Payal [Kangana] remains Payal despite being more foresighted, focused and free-spirited than the cool dude in question. No wonder, she is called ‘a good catch’, ‘chalu’ and a ‘man-eater’ who can chew men and spit out the waste, for the choices she makes in her life. On the other hand, the boy is on the loose to chase the girl until she accepts to be with him. 5 years later, they are breaking-up. And then, of course there is a bunch of supporting human angles to make it happening whatever needs to be in those circumstances! A friend who’s irritatingly always there [Doesn’t he have his own life?], a bossy kid sister with her so-called wise advices, another friend who’s shown pregnant while being already the mother of a one & half year old toddler [Though it’s not a crime, I really want to know what went wrong that night] and many others including a baddie actually being a goodie. Did I just pass a lame clue here for a shamefully twisted climax or eventually the director’s cover up for his own sins? I think I deserve a ‘thank you’ to save some of your mental exercise.

Surprisingly, the film starts with a really impressive scene where the couple is seen discussing their live-in relationship status, in bed, followed by the inventively-shot ‘lip to lip de kissiyaan’ song. It smells fresh but only till you know the writer has been briefed to make every scene a laughter-joint no matter how irrelevant, erratic or unreal it is. The film is filled with scenes when humor is forced, freaky and fatigued. As a writer, I can tell you how one sell these kind of scenes to the director. The popular expression is ‘On-screen aur achcha lagega’. We all have been made fools. While watching movies, one should always be attentive as there might be a hidden hint for your own good. Well; just before the climax, Nikhil throws a song named ‘Jaago mohan pyaare’ on us to make sure all of us are awake to notice the high-point of his film i.e. the weepy-creepy and shabbily sentimental climax.

Kangana Ranaut, on the cast, is underused for her abilities to emote and over-used for providing a gimmicky ‘different looks in one film’ formula, she apparently has mastered in TANU WEDS MANU AGAIN. On the contrary, Imran is given more screen-time, attention and opportunities to show his caliber. As a nerd, bore and one-track lover of an ambitious, smart and animated girl, he is quite watchable. So is Vivan Bhatena. Special mention to Suneel Sinha as Maddy’s father who has all the talents and looks to fill the long-awaited gap for a cool, caring and compassionate Bollywood father. Now, that’s some fresh casting I see.

There has been news of Aamir Khan seen crying after watching this dead & dull romantic affair. I can only say, crying is good but never for the wrong reasons. The makers should have an on-screen affirmation saying something like, ‘This is the scene that made Aamir cry’, it would be more helpful to incite some emotions in viewers. Otherwise, Nikhil Advani’s KATTI BATTI is an affair NOT to remember! A ‘yawn’ experience! [1.5/5]

HERO: Oops, try again! [1.5/5]

A lot of hard work, deliberate efforts and forced energy have been put in making/re-making HERO, and it shows. The desired all muscles-heavily tattooed look is achieved, as for as the sincerity and passion at the male lead’s part is concerned. The girl sure has learned a couple of lessons on how to move it; and I am not talking about anything here distantly related to acting. Postcard-perfect locations have been recced and marked. Songs are completely in sync with the hit love-story mould. Even the storyline has been borrowed from a classic romantic drama, still very much admired for its good music, distinctive direction and decent performances. A safe and well-protected launch-pad for two of the Bollywood star-kids is ready. Well, almost! And that ‘almost’ says a lot. Two most important parts of the filmmaking process i.e. the edgy writing and the skilled direction miss the bus; and Nikhil Advani’s HERO turns out to be a sluggishly written- sloppily directed bad film no one would love to be called his/her launch-pad.

Backed by Salman Khan- an institution in himself for today’s gym-loving generation, HERO is made only to establish the mentor’s ego in projecting his loved ones as the next possible stars in Bollywood. The list has many Atul Agnihotris and Pulkit Samrats besides all plastic face look-alikes [Sneha Ullal & Zarine Khan, if you remember]. Sooraj Pancholi and Athiya Shetty secure their places in the same list. The local gangster Sooraj [Played by Jr Pancholi] has kidnapped Radha [Athiya Shetty]- the daughter of Mumbai’s Inspector General of Police Srikant Mathur [Tigmanshu Dhulia] in order to get his godfather Pasha [His real father Sr. Pancholi] released from the jail. And it takes exactly 2 songs and 3 scenes for the fashion-freak & selfie-obsessed Radha to fall in love with an under-qualified but good-hearted ‘Goonda’. I know it hurts to accept him as an under-qualified but he himself confesses in one scene that he can only do either ‘dadagiri’ or ‘bodybuilding’. Now, that can really be an eye-opener to all the gym-fanatics! Anyways, the plot ahead sees the foreseen tussle between the lovers and the rest of the world.

What gets lost in translation from the Subhash Ghai directed original HERO to this latest remake is the conviction in writing and the confidence in direction. Though the writer tries his hard to give it a contemporary feel but could only come up with a few dialogues using internet-savvy lingo and the outdone tattooed look every Bollywood aspirant thinks a must to get big break. Rest of all is outdated, absurd and not at all appealing. The writing is so lethargic and noticeably so embarrassing that you can’t stop grinning about it. The IG of Police is named Sri Kant. The full name of Pasha is Surya Kant Pasha. Even Sooraj is called Surya sometimes. Pasha is called ‘baba’ by Sooraj, Sooraj is called ‘Sooraj Baba’ by Pasha. There is definitely some shortage of names. And then, there is bad direction that borrows heavily from every successful romantic action films in past. The whole entry sequence is so pale and pathetic you want to ask if Salman [The Producer] himself has approved it. In one of the most hilarious scenes, Pasha recalls in front of Sooraj, “Teri maa ko main behan manta tha”. Now, reconsider this as they both are sharing the screen for the first time and Sooraj is projected till now as Pasha’s son! Absurd miscommunication, I say!

On the performances, it’s better not to express much as even they [Sooraj & Athiya] also didn’t much in the film. Sooraj definitely has some screen-presence only till he starts trying to weight his words before speaking. I wish his gym has vocal trainers also! Athiya is unconventionally bad. And thanks to the writing that portrays her even worse! How can playing a dumb be someone’s very first role to impress the world? Sharad Kelkar acts in respected measures and impresses the most of the lot. Tigmanshu looks completely disinterested and drained out. Aditya Pancholi for once underplays it and looks cool while doing it.

Film’s poster has a tagline, “Rebels. Love. Freedom.” Apart from it being grammatically incorrect, I could only give you my word about the last of the three words you would actually feel for, not while watching the film but after leaving the theatre. For Salman? When there is an expert [Mr. Salim Khan] at your hand’s distance, you should better give your script a chance rather than countering film critics’ substance just couple of days before releasing your film. And to Sooraj & Athiya; try again, kids! I know you both are lucky enough to get more chances! [1.5/5]   

WELCOME BACK: Partly funny-largely frustrating! [2/5]

Anees Bazmee’s WELCOME BACK is a time-machine that takes you in the times of its successful predecessor WELCOME (2007). The moment it takes off, you come to realize that nothing have moved an inch in all these 7-8 years; neither the silliness in the plot nor the sensibility of the director. A girl, despite having strong and extreme dislike for ‘goondas’ gets kissed by one belonging to the same genus and ends up singing and dancing a romantic number with him, without showing any apprehension. This is a crass world where everyone makes a joke on everyone’s looks, features and physical stances irrespective of their gender, age and class. All in the name of entertainment! All for the sake of cheap laughs! Some really work but in the tiring 2 hour and 33 minutes of its total duration, most fall on the face. WELCOME BACK remains a terrible try to reproduce and recreate the box-office magic WELCOME (2007) created long back; which by now, looks like a classic in comparison with this partly funny-largely frustrating flick.

The furious Uday Shetty [Nana Patekar] and the fanatic Majnu Bhai [Anil Kapoor] are looking for a simple, sober and sophisticated groom again for their brand new sister Ranjana [Shruti Haasan]. The search takes them back to Dr. Ghoongroo [Paresh Rawal] whose newly-find son Ajay [John Abraham] loves Ranjana. Now if you are scratching your head to know where these new additions have come from, let me give you a hint. ‘The dark secrets of a happy married life’. Anyways, the trouble in the proposed marriage happens to be the groom himself. Ajay is actually Ajju Bhai- a local don in Mumbai. Things go messy when an international mafia Wanted Bhai [Naseeruddin Shah] makes an entry with his drug-addict son [Shiney Ahuja] wanting to marry Ajay’s love interest and Uday-Majnu’s sister. Meanwhile, there is a con mother-daughter duo [Dimple Kapadia & Ankita Shrivastava] to make it more muddled and mixed-up.

WELCOME BACK is majorly backed by the Nana Patekar-Anil Kapoor combination. Together, they live every moment in the film with total conviction and wholesome energy. Although Bazmee relies more on the third-rate giggles out of unapologetic comments on everyone’s appearances like Anil Kapoor is called ‘Tedhe Kandhe’ because of his leaning body posture, Supriya Karnik’s character is cursed for her hairstyle with ‘boy-cut halkat’ comment etc. The list includes blinds, deafs and dumbs, overweights and what not. The background music constantly hammers on your hearing senses with a completely unbearable chorus-intro for every major character. Sub-plots are added just to complicate the storyline and to make it overcrowded to create a chaotic climax where you can easily fall for the trick and get ready to accept anything that comes on the way to finally end it all. The logics get its high when a blind don gains his eyesight after his head gets banged in a fight. Similarly, the hero manages to run on the humps of running camels to save a life.

In a very few mentionable sequences, Nana and Anil supposedly play Antakshari with ghosts in a graveyard. In other, Rajpal Yadav impresses in a scene where he’s beaten by goons but forced to dance while being in the middle of it. Paresh Rawal is watchable but Dimple, Ankita & Shruti are not even that. John carries off it well. The addition of Naseeruddin Shah to the cast was supposed to recreate the magical presence of Late Feroz Khan but ends up being in an uncomfortable zone. Shiney Ahuja seems out of the place all the time.   

Overall, WELCOME BACK is an old and predictable, long and tiring joke. Some of the performances do make it watchable but the lack of smart writing-clever punches-logical explanations, and idiocy in the storyline kills the fun and the pun both. If WELCOME had amused you, this will annoy you. [2/5]                        

ALL IS WELL: All is rubbish. A total waste! [1/5]

Good news for all the complainants who don’t waste a chance to criticize Bollywood for being irrational, illogical and unreasonable! Here comes a film that does bother to give you enough reasons to explain what’s coming next and why it is there in the film! Even then the film in question ends up being a strong contender of ‘the silliest film of the year’ trophy, I don’t really wonder why. Picture this; an NRI [Abhishek Bachchan] stops at a roadside dhaba on Chandigarh-Solan highway to feed his family a good meal after a much hurried and hassled drive. The man at the counter is charging him some 5 thousand rupees for 4 people’s meal which is not even served or consumed yet. The poor guy doesn’t carry cash. To save him from the embarrassment, the local dancer [She was the reason for the hiked price] offers him a dance with her in exchange. What comes next is the item number by Sonakshi Sinha heavily supported by the Jr Bachchan. C’mon, even a Rakhi Sawant won’t do it for the said amount!

The problem with Umesh Shukla’s ALL IS WELL is its lazy ambition to become another Priyadarshan movie where cartoonish characters will do anything [banging head on the wall, rolling over one and other, slapping each other] to make you laugh and just laugh in every scene; the plot could anytime allow actors to participate in a nonsensical chase and then, end it all in a wedding-mandup where glycerin [the most-overrated chemical to make you look serious actor] will have a separate counter at the food-court. Though the story is not at all bad for a family entertainer, the emotions get silenced by the screeching dialogues and awful performances.

Bhajanlal Bhalla [Rishi Kapoor] runs a bakery that has hardly any incoming income to run the family. In fact, it is more of a bone of contention between him and his wife [Supriya Pathak Kapoor]. The son Inder [Abhishek Bachchan] fed up of the regular domestic verbal clash has moved abroad to make it big in his singing career. He’s back after some 10 years and the catch is the money he could get to finance his first album by selling the bakery. Sounds simple? Wait, we’ll make it as twisted as any Priyadarshan movie. Add a local slapstick gangster [Mohammad Zeeshan Ayyub] & cops will come by design, a secret box of good fortune to run after and a powerful lady with her army [Seema Pahwa with complementary Bugs Bunny teeth] will definitely be coming into scene and lastly, our heroine who’s all set to give her Shaadi a miss ‘cause she loves someone else. Enough to complicate!

For an Alzheimer patient, a doctor suggests, “Inko jitna khush rakh sakte ho, rakho!’ Isn’t it a ‘prescription for all’ statement? The female protagonist [Asin] believes in the signs from the universe so much that you would pick up an orange over an apple from the fruit basket and she might tell you she had saved it for her would-be-husband and now, you have to marry her. ALL IS WELL is full of such irritating, intimidating [to make you leave the theatre] and disgusting elements but what hurts you the most is watching talent like Supriya Pathak Kapoor being wasted utterly. Smriti Irani was cast in the same role earlier. I am not sure at what circumstances Supriyaji accepted the role but it is never to match her caliber. All the stars in the rating given to the film in this review must go to her as the compensatory allowance. Mohammad Zeeshan Ayyub is the only one who looks constantly trying to make it work. Rests all are either average or forgettable.

Overall, Umesh Shukla of OMG-OH! MY GOD fame fails miserably to impress. He was probably too confident to see the film’s flaws. With no offence or any disrespect to Alzheimer patients, I think sometimes you need a serious illness to forget something bad happened to you in life. ALL IS WELL takes you in that unfortunate mental zone. Save yourself, if you can! [1/5]